Why? Why not? One must ponder...

2012-01-03T15:33:00.001+08:00

Happiness is the art of appreciation.

2011-10-18T18:50:00.001+08:00

Don't see why people argue so much ethics, morals and all that.

Nobody can live by an absolute set of rules.

For me it's very simple.

Just do whatever hurts others the least.

That is what I'll live by I guess....

2011-10-17T12:34:00.002+08:00

I would like to see a world where people evaluate their beliefs, especially the ones they act upon.

I would like to see a world where fact is alot more distinguished from fiction, and vice versa.

I would like to see a world where people stop giving weight to stupid things.

I would like to see a world with the answers.

But it's not going to happen.

Not now, not then, not ever.

Because it is fundamentally impossible.

Had it been, all the parameters would be already different.

2011-10-10T17:04:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time.

Never felt this way when I left BMT.

But now that I've got my infantry posting and I'm leaving all my section mates...

Tears.

Keep flowing.

And onwards to another 5 months in golf wing....

2011-07-23T21:34:00.002+08:00

i have a theory that my tummy is the result of overly large abdominal muscles which push out what fats i have to form my tummy... this is the only reasonable conclusion i can come to considering the amount of sit-ups and other abdominal exercises i can do.... and i can feel all 8 packs underneath but can't see any of them....

2011-05-21T19:23:00.000+08:00

When your life is taken away from you, you start to realise some things which you once thought matter aren't really as important as you once thought. And of course, some are all the more important.

2011-04-19T16:59:00.002+08:00

The feeling of death surrounding you.

The whoosh as ten tons misses you by a few centimeters, the air blowing past to fill the space left in its wake.

Such is work at PSA.

Where forklifts drive in reverse at top speeds in enclosed areas.

Where lorries and forklifts fight for space on the road.

There are no lack of deaths, just hushed up.

Now imagine walking a few bus stops worth of distance everyday in this place.

2011-01-29T01:29:00.000+08:00

getting drunk... not a good idea...

2011-01-16T19:01:00.001+08:00

That which is akin to Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic, I inevitably find myself more and more drawn to with each passing day.

2011-01-16T01:26:00.002+08:00

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!
bring me down!
ohh ohhh ohhhh!

2011-01-11T20:19:00.002+08:00

Worry not; for life is not long enough... except when necessary.

It is perfectly clear and logical when it is stated that there is no point worrying in a situation where one is powerless to change the outcome, i.e. worrying about test grades after taking the test.

However to actually be able not to worry needlessly, a by definition irrational act, is another thing entirely.

2011-01-09T12:52:00.001+08:00

Every possibility is no more than that- just a possibility, but worth preparing for nonetheless.

Pain- oh yes, even pain- is better than absolutely nothing.

2011-01-08T00:29:00.002+08:00

Everything comes with a cost. That which you gain pleasure from, you incur the eventual pain which comes with the inevitable loss.

Does the pain justify the happiness?

It may. It may not.

But we were not made this way. Not made to calculate the outcomes of every single minuscule event in life. No, we were made to live in the present.

This unfortunately leads to the problem of gambling. But that's another story.

Fear of loss. It is a rational fear which we were not designed to act upon. Or at least, designed that it weighs little enough such that whatever perceived immediate benefit outweighs the eventual loss.

But what if one cannot see the perceived benefit of the present?

Then what does one have left to gain?

2011-01-02T22:35:00.000+08:00

"Liquid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. While not nigh invulnerable, he survives things which should kill your average tank. First he survives having his Hind-D shot out from under him. (It's implied he parachuted out, but still...) Snake then blows up his giant mecha by throwing missiles directly into Liquid's lap in the open cockpit. He then survives the giant mecha exploding, which knocked Snake out, despite having been inside it at the time, and in fact wakes up early enough to strip down Snake to his pants, and drag him and his Love Interest up to the top of the five-story tall now-derelict mecha, for a personal fist fight between brothers. Then, when Snake knocks him off the giant mecha, he survives the five-story fall and comes at him as Snake escapes in a Jeep, driving his own and firing its machine gun. He is still hardy enough, even after all this, to drive with one hand and shoot with the other. Snake shoots him with his own machine gun. The bare-chested bastard shrugs it off. Then, after all that, he survives the crash of both Jeeps, and comes at you with a machine gun in one hand, in all his bare-chested glory. You only survive because he then dies of a bloody virus of all things."
-TV Tropes and Idioms, article on "Made of Iron"

2010-12-29T23:13:00.003+08:00

Walked downstairs flipping a spanner in my hand today.

Finally went to adjust the height of my saddle. Now my feet can't touch the ground while I'm sitting on my bicycle anymore. First time I had abit of trouble getting onto the bicycle in years.

Took me awhile to get used to the balance issues resulting from having my CG further from the ground. The pedalling, however, became significantly easier, as it should have been all along. A few minutes into it and I was addicted to the speed already.

What I failed to realise at that point however was that it becomes harder to turn by adjusting my CG.

And so I found out... in the form of a well-placed bus number pole.

As I said, cycling at high speed becomes very addictive. At least, relatively high speeds. Especially when it takes alot less effort than what was previous required to cycle at a medium speed.

So there I was, on a downhill path. Saw a bus stop. Navigated the seats fine. Saw a pole to my left. Leaned right...

And comes that all-too-familiar (bad sign) moment where time -almost- seems to slow and you get that "Oh, shit..." feeling and you know you're gonna be screwed but you don't have the time to react or do anything but just hope it turns out fine...

Fortunately it did, for me at least. Couldn't exactly say the same for my bicycle. At least it was still intact post-crash, apart from the wheel pointing about 90 degrees right when the handlebars were held out straight.

Looking back it seems kinda miraculous that I didn't even fall off my bicycle. Apparently after my left handlebar slammed into the pole, the handlebar rotated a full 180 degrees from the impact. The front wheel probably couldn't follow as much, and ended up perpendicular to the other wheel, causing the bicycle to skid to a stop with me sprawled on top of it in some awkward position...

Like all the other accidents I laughed it off and continued cycling. One day though, my luck will run out, and this blog shall die with me...

2010-12-25T19:06:00.001+08:00

One has no right to tell others what to believe in. All that one can do is to show others what oneself thinks are facts, and let others believe for themselves.

2010-12-15T20:22:00.000+08:00

A ham sandwich is better than nothing.
Nothing is better than eternal happiness.
Therefore, a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
-Unknown.

2010-12-14T19:24:00.001+08:00

Failure is always either in intention or execution.

One is never mature when one thinks one is, but always a little more so when one realises one isn't.

Learn not to look back, but to look forward once again after the inevitable looking back.

2010-12-14T02:22:00.000+08:00

maybe i should go find a typing job.

120 wpm given a script to type from, minus time already taken to ensure no errors.

seems fairly qualified to me.

2010-12-13T13:32:00.003+08:00

avolition/alogia/aboulia/anhedonia/dysthymia/borderlinepersonalitydisorder/socialanxietydisorder/mildschizophrenia/obsessivecompulsivedisorder/avoidantpersonalitydisorder

2010-12-13T00:23:00.007+08:00

And he walked slowly, carefully, taking measured steps.

Not too slow. But not too fast certainly. Seeking the balance.

The ground below seemed to move by in a blur, contrasting the stone wall he was walking on, which from his perspective seemed nearly immobile despite his moving feet.

Further and further shrunk the pavement.

He wondered why he was doing this. Why he was so afraid. Why his feet continued moving forward, despite him willing them to stop.

After all, he had no reason to walk to the end of a stone wall leading to nowhere.

After all, he had walked along steeper precipices and narrower walkways without falling.

So why was he still moving forward despite his brain screaming for his legs to stop? Why was his brain even screaming? Why was he feeling the dizzying rush of adrenaline and a tinge of fear?

Answers. He had none.

All it would take would be a fraction of a second. A temporary weakness in either of his knees, or a bad landing of his feet. He could imagine the inevitable fall, as his arms flailed out helplessly, of the pavement rushing up to meet him, of the dull crack as his head met the sidewalk.

The thought of it made his legs grow numb. Nonetheless they continued moving. Slowly. Not so surely. He should have had stopped then. But he couldn't. Wouldn't.

To his surprise he found himself still in one piece at the end of the wall. Looking over the edge he felt the same dizzying numbness again. This time, he succumbed to the weakness in his knees. Sat down at the edge of the wall. And pondered.

He watched the shadow of the tree overhead gradually elongate, watched as the clouds drifted by. Caught a leaf flying past. Let it go again and watched as it slowly fluttered down to the ground, landing in the shade of the very wall he sat on.

When he next looked up the the clouds had already moved on. He could feel the sun burning his face and knew it was time to go. One way or another. Glancing down, he could see the floor, a long way from his dangling feet. Would he survive the drop? Could he? Should he?

Perhaps, but for another day, he thought. Not yet. Not just yet. So he turned around and got up. Felt the same terrifying numbness as he got onto his feet. Looked at the distance he had come and knew he could easily cross it again. If he was lucky. He took a step forward...

2010-12-11T19:46:00.004+08:00

"A predicate expression is heterological if and only if it doesn't apply to itself, autological if and only if it does. For example, "is monosyllabic", "is a French phrase" and "is three words long" are heterological whereas "is polysyllabic", "is an English phrase" and "is four words long" are autological.

Is "is heterological" heterological?"

"Although it may be true that Marilyn committed suicide and that I don't believe she did, I cannot intelligibly say 'Marilyn committed suicide but I don't believe it.'"

"It is irrational the praise or blame people for what is not wholly within their control: 'ought implies can'. But since our actions stem from our characters, circumstances and casual factors beyond our control, and their outcome is often unpredictable, luck appears to play a large part in determining our character and conduct, for both of which we are morally accountable.

So we are morally responsible for what we can't properly be held morally responsible for."

i.e. you rush to the bathroom realizing you have left the bath water running with the baby in it. If the baby has drowned you have done something awful, and will deserve severe moral condemnation; if the baby has not drowned, you have simply been careless and got away with it.

"Although it may be true that this pill will cure me, and also true that it will cure me only because I believe it will, I cannot believe that it will cure me only because I believe it will."

-The Placebo Paradox

"A line segment can be divided, at least in thought, ad infinitum, by halving it, halving the halves, and so on without end. So it must be made up of infinitely many parts. What is the size of these parts? If it is zero the line would have no length, if it is some non-zero finite size, however small, the line segment would have to be infinitely long."

"If all events are governed by casual laws, then every event can be in principle be predicted. But if that is so, it will be possible to falsify predictions about our own actions by opting not to do something that was predicted. Then they wouldn't be correct predictions after all."

"Authors frequently write in their prefaces that there will inevitably be some errors in the body of the book. If what they write is true, there will be at least one false statement in the book; otherwise the prefatorial claim is false. Either way they are committed to a falsehood, and must be guilty of inconsistency. Yet the claim in the preface seems a perfectly reasonable one to make."

"If offered a choice between flying a glider accompanied by an experienced pilot and driving a Grand Prix car around a racing track, you would choose to fly the glider; but, if offered a choice between driving the racing car and flying a glider solo, you would choose to drive the car. If you are rational, then, given that you prefer the accompanied glider flight to the car drive and the drive to flying solo, you should choose to fly accompanied in preference to flying solo. To choose to fly solo in preference to flying accompanied would therefore be irrational.

But it is not irrational, when offered a choice between flying accompanied and flying solo, to choose to fly solo because you do not want to appear cowardly.

So it is both irrational and not irrational to choose the solo flight over the accompanied flight."

"A man creeps back home after an adulterous assignation, 'feeling a tremendous rakehell, and not liking myself much for it, and feeling rather a good chap for not liking myself much for it, and not liking myself at all for feeling rather a good chap."

"A fair coin is tossed until it lands heads up. If this happens on the nth throw the bank pays the player $(2 to the power of n). The expected or average gain is therefore infinite, and, whatever sum the player pays to play she has the advantage."

"I can be a victim of another's deception but i can also be a victim of self-deception. you cannot succeed in deceiving me if I know what you are up to. So how can I deceive myself? Won't I know what I am up to, and won't this necessarily undermine the self-deception?"

"Over a period of years, in the course of maintenance a ship has its planks replaced one by one - call this ship A. However, the old planks are retained and themselves reconstituted into a ship - call this ship B. At the end of this process there are two ships. Which one is the original ship?"

"A spaceship travels in a straight line. It doubles its speed after half a minute, doubles it again after another quarter of a minute, and continues successively to double it after half of the last interval Where is it at one minute? It is neither infinitely far away, nor at any finite distance either."

"Achilles travels at 8 mph but the tortoise manages only 1 mph. So Achilles has given it a start. At the point where Achilles catches the tortoise he draws level with a fly which proceeds to fly back and forth between them at 20 mph. After another hour Achilles is 7 miles ahead of the tortoise, but where is the fly?

It looks as if it should be possible to calculate its position and determine its direction. But the answer is that it could be anywhere, facing either direction. Working back from any possible position and direction the fly would end up level with Achilles and the tortoise regardless."

"In a town where only one person in ten is black, a man claims he was mugged by a black person. In re-enactments of the scene under comparable lighting with different people playing the assailant, he identified the assailant's race correctly 80% of the time. Members of either race are equally likely to mug.

But if calculated, the chances of him being right about the race of the assailant who mugged him is less than one in three."

random half-excerpts from "paradoxes from a to z" by michael clark.

<3 paradoxes.

2010-12-11T17:08:00.003+08:00

-Wake up-

Cycled 10 km.
Played abit of badminton.
Brisk walked 6 km.
Played about 2 hours of basketball.

-Dinner-
-Sleep-
-Wake up-

Bowled about two hours.

-Lunch-

Brisk walked 1 km.
Swam 30 laps.
Brisk walked 1 km.
Cycled 3 km.

-Slack in library-

Cycled 3 km.
Blog.

The life of a no lifer.

2010-12-10T08:51:00.003+08:00

... and a wave of melancholy sweeps through me, eradicating all other feelings.

and for reasons I know not, I am both awake and weary.

My body won't let me sleep past 8.

And yet life has never felt so empty, so meaningless.

All the computer games I wanted to play seem so devoid of fun now that school has ended.

School.

I guess it was only worth it for the people.

The chance to interact with others. With friends. With strangers.

And now that school has ended.

Back to the same isolation.

Back to the quest to find just a modicum of meaning to my life.

Back to square one.

2010-12-08T21:26:00.003+08:00

A long day.

From a sleepless night to packing my suit and forgetting my tie.

To bowling and rushing home to bathe and change.

To chionging to Clementi and realising I forgot my tie

To waiting for my mom to bring it.

To a bus trip shorter than I expected.

To a walk longer than I expected.

To a hotel room on the same floor as our Sunway room but smaller ):

To a few hours of Black Ops and/or slacking.

To, finally, putting on the goddamned suit.

To going downstairs a little too early.

To stoning around doing nothing for an hour.

To finally getting somewhere to sit.

To getting my first panic attack of my life.

To finally stop hyper-ventilating.

To some random cam-whoring and getting high.

To not really touching the food there.

To finally getting back to the hotel room.

To leaving for butter factory.

To watching people become imba high and start dancing randomly.

To trying out rum, whiskey, tequila, scotch I think and god knows what.

To safely getting back to the hotel in one piece.

To stoning about and talking until the alcohol wore off (around 4-5 am).

To stoning about and talking until 1 pm+.

To a meal before going back home to sleeeeep.

Tonight.

2010-12-06T20:16:00.005+08:00

"When one has found that which is worth dying for, one has found the true meaning of one's life"

what if life is worth dying for its own sake?

2010-12-04T01:44:00.001+08:00

Whoops.

Seems like I did make it back in one piece.

Didn't get into some freak fatal accident.

Damn.

2010-11-29T21:58:00.001+08:00

Maybe being myopic can be a good thing.

After all, what you need to see right in front of you is still visible.
You don't have what's ahead to distract you.
And you have the choice to see perfectly when you need to.

2010-11-26T21:35:00.002+08:00

I grow weary.
Of this feeling.
Of simply waiting.
To grow old and die.
Of remaining in this husk.
Even though it is all I have.

Life is but a dream.

A daydream.

A nightmare.

Which will end all too soon.

Into the dream enters reality.

And the dream will cease to exist.

And the life will cease to exist.

It has not died; for it cannot.

That which did not exist cannot die.

So what happened of it?

Since after all, it DID exist.

Ramblings.

I am strongly inclined to the view I am going insane.

Conflict

2010-11-25T21:59:00.002+08:00

How shall I describe this...

After all this it feels like my life has come to an end.

Why now?

After all I should be rejoicing at the increased degree of freedom.

And yet...

So sian I can't even play a random computer game for half an hour without leaving my seat.

I swore I could play games ten times that during the A levels period.

What happened to all the things I wanted to do prior to what is effectively the end of my exams?

Well I have certainly no goddamend idea.

And it all ends here.

Probably gonna flunk all my subjects.

But it doesn't really matter too much, does it?

Actually, it probably does. To a fairly large extent. I concede that I am the world's largest idiot.

Then again A levels don't mean much in reality apart from getting a job/going university.

Sadly, getting a job/going university is part of reality.

Well.

Conflict conflict conflict.

With what? I search myself and can't find the answer.

Perhaps it will come with time...

2010-11-23T05:33:00.003+08:00

damn.

to stumble on the last stretch.

to fall.

into the endless abyss...

2010-10-27T00:18:00.004+08:00

no point regretting a life already lived.

given what you know now, certainly you could have lived it better.

and that second life would provide information with which you could have done better for yourself in that life.

which leads to regret.

and more regret.

an infinitely recurring sequence.

its a chain that shouldn't be started.

one life.

live it.

or end it.

2010-10-23T21:42:00.003+08:00

the entity known as goh yu xuan will be effectively on hiatus for several weeks.
hopefully the hiatus is not permanent.
signing off...

2010-10-23T00:49:00.002+08:00

looks like i have a personality for when...
with friends
with family
with cousins
with close friends
by myself

all of which contrast by varying degrees, but nonetheless to the extent where i am unsure which i really am. an amalgamation of all? or am i merely wearing masks over the original?

slightly more inclined i am to the latter. it feels harder and harder to maintain some aspects of my personality in front of others.

in an attempt to understand myself better i shall try to list my traits for each personality.

with friends:
probably quite retarded
optimistic?
random
occasionally high
talkative, maybe
sometimes quite reckless

with family:
quiet?
cynical
somewhat happy

with cousins:
guai lol

by myself(default personality):
pessimistic
cynical
depressed
prone to violence
antagonistic

with close friends:
probably a mix between with friends and the default hmm.

it feels harder and harder to laugh sometimes.
and every time i feel depressed i sort of revert to the default personality even in the presence of others. at least i havent done anything violent yet. i think.

it feels like i'm driving myself crazy. the worst thing is not to be insane, its to be insane but only to the extent where you are still sane enough to recognize your insanity. totally insane people are ignorant, blissful of the fact that they are insane. sane people are well... sane. although everybody is insane to some extent. and those left with a shred of sanity to recognize their madness... well it's enough to drive one insane. ironically. although some parts of my mind remain too rational to let me just go insane. damn.

2010-10-21T19:08:00.001+08:00

2010-10-17T11:01:00.001+08:00

And thus begins the first day of the rest of my life... for the 6559th time. On the 6584th time begins my exams.

Time to wake up, hmm?

2010-10-12T20:28:00.001+08:00

wow. first time i nearly blacked out from pain. haha win.

parts requiring recovery:
kneecaps
left knee
left foot
various lacerations
right wrist
various muscles

2010-10-11T16:05:00.000+08:00

2010-10-09T19:44:00.003+08:00

in the end, everything is but defined in terms of others.

what is gravity without a mass to exert its force on?

there is no closed existence.

anything that can exist without having to be defined in terms of others will merely cease to exist, for what is something with nothing attributable to it?

i am upon this path...

2010-10-09T15:28:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAHA.

1 General Paper H1 50.1 D 331 69%
2 Mathematics H2 35.4 U 978 9%
3 Physics H2 38.4 U 346 11%
4 Economics H2 32.6 U 756 13%
5 Literature in English H1 40.7 S 6 44%

hahahahahah
hah
ah
ahaha
hahahaha
haha
hah
a
hah
a
ha
ha
ha
hahaha
hah
ahaha

2010-10-05T21:20:00.002+08:00

my callous indifference will be the undoing of me as it ironically reinforces itself... the cycle must end soon...

2010-10-04T22:58:00.005+08:00

Schools? Ha.

Teaching came about became people wanted to learn, and there were those with the capabilities to provide the knowledge and information for these learners. These learners would voraciously seek knowledge because it was in their own interests to do so, and as such motivation was hardly an issue for them. That is learning.

But somewhere along the way it was decided that certain forms of knowledge are essential. Someone somewhere at some time decided that everyone should at least grasp that bit of knowledge. Fundamentally there is nothing too wrong with that. But the learning process gradually devolved into, as some might put it, "filling the empty teapot".

In both cases the end result is the same. The teapot is filled. However, the teapot should be getting filled because it desires to be filled, and not because people decide that it should be filled. Today, students are no longer learning- they are being taught. Indeed, it may sound normal. However, it is akin to pushing dirt into the vacuum cleaner instead of using the vacuum cleaner to suck the dirt up. It is very much obvious which is a more efficient method. The desire to learn is the very force powering the vacuum cleaner, which makes a tremendous difference.

Some will argue that regardless, some form of knowledge will have to be imparted into successive generations for their own sake. This argument is not without its merits. Indeed ignorance is extremely costly, even if one should desire it. In that case, the education system should be made as efficient as possible such that the student would desire to learn despite that the content and knowledge is being forced upon him. Presumably this should be the goal of modern education systems. However this is not the case. Instead, the end result is all that matters. The means are merely geared towards the most efficient way of producing results. This does not even mean that the best results will be produced. Rather, they are simply trying to maximize output for a given input. Which is acceptable to the country and the government. But not to the individuals.

Individuals. Therein lies the key issue in education. Each and everyone of us are individuals. Each and everyone of us learns differently. Each and everyone of us wants to learn different things (if at all). Each and everyone of us learns fastest using different methods.

The main drawback to the current paradigm is that any method proven to be effective will eventually be industrialized and applied in all schools. The problem is, because there are so many students, what is effective here is not necessarily effective for others. And what is deemed effective to begin with is not necessarily effective at all. It is simply a cookie-cutter which manages to garner a certain degree of success. An education system which caters to each individual is much more ideal and will allow everyone to achieve their potential much more easily. On the flip side, however, it is also considerably more expensive.

Until such ideal things (which will never happen) happen, we have no choice, however, but to make do with what we have.

2010-10-04T22:53:00.002+08:00

There are still too many things I want to do.

Too many things I want to change.

I will probably continue living for the moment.

Although I have yet to find my purpose.

Acceptance?

The constricting feeling remains.

But the world seems abit less blurred.

2010-10-04T17:43:00.000+08:00

the only place where i can still find solace is in the world of dreams... now if i could never wake up...

2010-10-04T14:37:00.006+08:00

I do wonder which is more accurate.

At a long last, insanity has finally claimed me.

or

I have take my first (thousand) steps into insanity.

But either way, insane I am. Minus the mathematical genius which accompanies insanity in Proof.

Life has been a failure.

I foresee in the not-so-distant future a life (or lack thereof) as a cadaver.

Successive failures. One after the other. And now I am merely repeating myself in different ways. Too far gone. Too little left.

Well.

Not like I make a difference to the world anyway.

What am I but a temporary existence?

Does it matter? Do I even matter?

Never has it felt so laborious to simply keep living.

I am weary. Sick and weary. My life is my life after all. I have the right to end it. Don't I? The law may take away that right, but they cannot stop me.

If only...

and back to allowing a ceasing flow to obscure my vision; back to where I came from...

have i lost what i never had? or was it never mine?

they say you wont miss what you never had

they say you only miss something once you lose it

what am i missing?

what have i missed?

what IS missing?

lost.

everything.

its like the air around me is turning to water

breaths come short and painful

that constricting feeling

*looks out of the window*

i'm tempted.

to end it once and for all...

the first of my random goals seems harder and harder to achieve...

they say stupidity kills
they say ignorance is costly

i am probably the epitomy of an abundance of both.

for once the message which ends every post in this blog might be true.

2010-09-26T20:17:00.002+08:00

and my insides grow colder.

the facade may not last.

although it should.

long enough.

hopefully.

probably.

maybe.

i really.

need to find.

the way out.

the way about.

this endless maze.

inside me?

around me?

fortunately i will not be perceived differently yet.

masks are meant to hide.

mine has yet to crumble.

2010-09-25T18:44:00.001+08:00

2010-09-23T19:16:00.001+08:00

A brief respite.

A moment of calm.

Setting up the stage for...

2010-09-12T12:59:00.002+08:00

A soul-less husk.

Outwardly not so much perhaps.

But nevertheless a mere amalgamation of the various personalities inevitably assimilated.

I look at myself and wonder:

Where am I?

Who is me?

What is me?

No more than a response to everything around me?

No more than the subconscious mimicking of everyone else?

No more than an empty, soul-less husk?

2010-09-07T18:11:00.002+08:00

I curse and curse and curse.

But cursing won't help.

And it's not like I don't know what will.

Distractions, however...

Sigh.

Education is not about cramming one's head with mostly useless information due to disappear within several days of (or even the point right after) the test.

Education is not about being force-fed stuff to regurgitate.

Education is not about...

Honestly, I could go on for a pretty long time, but then ironically that would hamper my 'education', which is about to be put to the test in several days.

Distractions seem to increase in quantity moments prior to any major exam.

2010-08-18T22:08:00.002+08:00

Acquisition. Assimilation. Application.

The teaching of knowledge, perhaps, may be summed as such.

Quite aptly the 3 As of education?

Acquisition. The acquiring of information. Done when there is a source and a vessel. Or, in other words, textbooks, teachers, websites, etc, and a student willing to learn. In general, the same sources are available to everybody.

Assimilation. The absorption of information. To integrate the information into oneself, to truly understand it, to understand the very essence of what one is learning. By right, this stage is the very core to the whole 'knowledge' process. But more often than not emphasis in modern education is not placed on this.

Application. The application of information. To make use of the information available and assimilated to one in such a way as to make the whole process worth it to begin with. Unfortunately also the most tangible and easily measurable stage. And no system designed to measure application is foolproof.

In a school system, the teachers provide the information. In other words, they fulfill the first stage by making information and knowledge available to us. The assimilation part is up to the individual. Since it is something which is different for all individuals, this stage is entirely dependent on the individual's capability to learn. And lastly, the application part. This is the part measured to determine how successfully the student has acquired and assimilated the information.

Therein lies the problem. Because only the last part can be tested, the most important part of learning, the assimilation, can be bypassed. Efforts are instead concentrated on the application of what little knowledge (or even lack thereof) that one has to as many situations as possible. And far too often, too many are consciously focusing on only that. The teaching and refinement of answering techniques.

From the very start the concept was flawed. It is possible that this is the least flawed method. But the flaws exist nonetheless.

Take for example the subject General Paper. Some teachers choose to forgo content almost entirely. They meticulously mark by structure, observing if the student has the topic sentence, the thesis statement, the balanced arguments, etc, in the same paragraph, and mark accordingly. Not so much based on the content of the paragraph, but rather the structure. Some teachers, on the other hand, ignore structure almost entirely, and simply focus on giving content. What exactly does the student want?

Personally I am more inclined to the latter. To be simply provided with the content when being taught, and marked accordingly, based on the content I give. But my point of view may be too selfish. I have peers whom are more inclined to the structured format. I have a specific friend who would rather listen to a lesson about structures than a lesson about content which he would label as 'bullshit'.

I cannot speak for others because I do not know what others want. I cannot claim that my view extends to anything beyond opinion, and very possibly a very narrow-minded one at that. However, nonetheless, I feel our education system is flawed. Something is lacking, the emphasis is being placed on the wrong things, and yet I can suggest no better. Perhaps it is already for the best.

2010-08-14T20:23:00.002+08:00

Parents.

Yea, we should be grateful for them.

And for the most part, we are.

But you see, ever so occasionally, parents think that, well, being a parent and all, they have the right to do whatever they want with you.

And most of the time they have their way. Since they usually aren't foolish enough to do something lawbreaking.

At this point I wonder- What does being a parent entitle you to?

Sure, our parents created us. Without them we wouldn't even exist. But I think it's pretty damn dumb when our parents (at least mine do) say stuff like "without me, you wouldn't be enjoying [insert this and that] now". It's just screaming a counter-argument along the lines of "without you I wouldn't have to suffer all the shit I suffered at one time or another in my life up to this point". And when I try to say that their argument is fallacious, I get accused of using long words they don't understand, being argumentative, being rude, being stubborn, etc.

Sure, our parents nurtured us. Without them we wouldn't have food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof to live under. No education, no security, none of the needs from Maslow's hierarchy fulfilled. In other words we would be most probably dead.

But does this give them the right to do whatever they want with our lives?

I do agree that as the children, we should do our part for our parents. Respect their wishes, be obedient, filial, etc.

But obedient to what extent? Respect their wishes to what extent?

In this context I will obviously assume that all this lies within legal range.

When parents make mistakes, are we allowed to correct them without being labeled as rude, or similar? Logically, if done respectfully, yes. But what if said parent possesses such a fucking huge ego that any form of criticism results in an explosive outburst?

Do parents have the right do influence each and every decision their children make? Influence, probably yes. But do they have the right to make the decisions for their children? To claim that they are doing what's best for us (which they only think they are) when in reality we know better? To govern every aspect of our lives?

2010-08-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

In case you do need that break from work (which I dont). Happy Black Friday.

2010-08-06T21:16:00.001+08:00

In case, by some chance, you missed it:

2010-07-25T19:48:00.003+08:00

Block Tests 2. Most possibly my best block tests to date. Could have, should have, would have been alot better.

They say it's time to wake up. "Wake up your bloody idea", the army saying goes. But think of it. If I need to wake up, then wouldn't I be in a dream now? And if I were in a dream now, would I dream such a shitty dream?

Perhaps the saying should be: Time to dream. Time to project it into the real world.

Story

2010-07-18T21:17:00.003+08:00

Content and well-fed, it quietly lay in its damp, dark lair, relaxing and doing nothing in particular.

Suddenly, sharp pain and the sensation of having its rear-end sliced off. A huge metal presence flashes past inches from its head seconds later, ripping open its home.

A sharp object is felt in the raw, open wound, and instinctively it squirms away from the source of distress, wriggling out into the newly made exit. The sharp object pushes all the way through and forces it to drop out of its home, landing on a hard surface with a splat.

It struggles valiantly for cover, but in vain. Giant appendages descend from the sky, picking it up with monstrous strength. It attempts to bite at one of the appendage, but to no avail. Lifted up, it is slowly moved to its doom...

A huge, curved, sharp rod of steel looms overhead, larger and larger as it draws closer to the poor, writhing, struggling creature. The appendages holding the creature cruelly stabs the rod straight into its struggling head, pulling the rod all the way through its squirming body. Sadly for the poor creature, death has not yet claimed it and will not do so for quite awhile.

Pierced, doomed, unable to move save squirm about slightly causing intensifying pain, the surroundings suddenly flash past in a blur as the creature is held fast to the steel rod. There is a splash and it is engulfed in murky waters, dragged down to the bottom of its watery grave. And it is here where it struggles to no avail. But the end is not yet near. Not even close.

Many long agonizing moments later, giant monsters approach warily, taking bites at it until finally its wretched existence is ended.

Such is the life of every worm raised and sold as fishing bait.

2010-07-15T18:35:00.002+08:00

Is death the bottomless abyss which we are slowly but surely drawn to, as moths are inevitably attracted to a flame? Or is death the silent shadow stealthily sneaking upon us, taking us away at a time we least expect it?

Either way, one should die without regret. And for one to die without regret, one must live without regret. For a life to be without regret, one must not make choices one would look back on and say, 'damn that was kinda stupid'.

I might well look back at what I'm doing now and say that. It's time to care abit more about my studies, for the better or for the worse. One week of studying for math, one day of studying for physics, and daoing the rest. The results, while obviously better than daoing everything to begin with, definitely isn't good enough.

On a lighter note, it's been a long time since I last blogged. The entire June holidays went past a little too fast for my liking, and in that time I had plenty of fun, but blocks came too soon. This blog may, once again, be subject to lengthy hiatuses at random, but perhaps it may not be so. The future is hazy.

Time to pierce the haze.

2010-06-05T22:08:00.004+08:00

oh ya, got funny experience today.

was taking the bus from my house to chevrons, which goes past four stops on a relatively ulu stretch of road where no one usually gets on.

so i was on this empty double-decker bus, so i just sat in one of the outer seats at random and held my bowling ball bag.

one stop before chevrons, this old hag and old man got on.

old hag: 年青人，没头脑arh,bag不会放那边 *she points at the standing space in the bus* (in dialect)

me: 我下一站就下了，又没挡路，没关系的lah

old hag (to old man): 哇这一代的年轻人全部没有头脑的，新加坡没有未来了。。。

old man (to old hag): 对啰，年亲人全部去做兵不应该出来，都没有用

me: wtf?

2010-06-05T21:51:00.000+08:00

wants to have the time and materials to build high velocity elastic-powered projectile weapons...

2010-06-05T20:20:00.002+08:00

2010-06-04T22:10:00.001+08:00

Wants to bowl.
Wants to play table-tennis.
Wants to play basketball.
Wants to stone in front of computer for hours on an end.
Wants to sleep.
Needs to sleep.
Needs to study.

2010-05-30T12:07:00.004+08:00

Happiness:
The temporary illusion of well-being when chemicals are secreted by the brain when certain conditions are fulfilled, usually pertaining to the satisfaction of material needs. Generally the experience of anything which obeys the laws of Darwinism, i.e. leads to the continuity of one's own species (for which survival is -often- a pre-requisite) leads to happiness. Is NOT a zero-sum game, since each individual has his or her own capacity for happiness, however often ACTS like one, in which more often than not to make others happy one has to sacrifice one's own happiness, and likewise to be happy often comes at the cost of the happiness of others.

Friendship:
The temporary truce in which individuals unanimously obey an usually unspoken agreement not to exploit each other for one's own material gain. Invariably ends when one of the individual breaches the unspoken agreement and the other party finds out, or when one of the individual SUSPECTS the other of doing so.

Obviously I'm feeling rather optimistic today.

Well, for several reasons I'm obliged to do well at least for A levels, I'm obliged to serve in NS for what my country has given me, but after that I'm not longer obliged to do anything. And finally I can leave this world without having any obligations left.

Was the cup full or empty to begin with? Was the cup half-emptied or half-filled? Does it actually matter? For a fact, the cup can appear to be at half of its maximum storage capacity but is in reality already at its fullest. But it cannot possibly be at its minimum storage capacity. Thus it is in a state where it can most definitely get emptier, but possibly get no fuller. And life is certainly like that. You can never be guaranteed of being better off the next moment, but you know for certain that it is definitely possible that you could always be worse off. There is no such thing as 'too worse'. The word 'worst' only has any meaning relative to others in a defined group, for eventually there will always be something worse-er than 'worst', and the meaning of 'worst' will then have no meaning.

2010-05-20T22:15:00.003+08:00

Used to have several hundred hamsters several years ago.

Found several hundred photos of the several hundred hamsters, naturally dating back to several years ago.

Here they are:

2010-05-19T20:26:00.003+08:00

Step. Step. Step.

I watch the shadow behind me shuffle its feet in unison with mine.

Step. Step. Step.

I watch the shadow by my side, steadily growing shorter.

Step. Step. Step.

I watch the shadow overtake me, growing longer and longer.

Step. Step. Step.

I watch the shadow in front of me fade away, and a shadow appear once again behind.

Step. Step. Step.

I walk past the last lamppost, and watch as my shadow fades into the shadows.

The only place where no shadows exist. Into the darkness itself.

Just about any object, save a perfect sphere, casts a different shadow when shone upon from different angles.

Some angles hide the imperfections. Some angles make it all the more obvious.

Humans, too, have many faces.

Usually we cant choose the shadow we cast, since we can't control where the light is coming from.

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
-Abraham Lincoln

Hmm.

2010-05-16T21:23:00.002+08:00

And thus ends one phase of my journey.

Or has it not ended?

"It is one of my most important and best verified maxims that nature makes no leaps. This I have called the law of continuity" - Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz

Perhaps the concept of 'journey' itself is erroneous to begin with. After all, there may be very well no end to it.

And no end to it there very well may be.

Now officially I no longer have a CCA. No longer in HC Bowl.

But that's not the end of it. Of bowling. Of being a team. Right?

Although its time to move on.

Do I have higher priorities?

Well, supposedly, yes. It's called studies.

But why supposedly?

I wonder why I have never seen studies as an integral, important aspect of my life.

Isn't it supposed to be the very thing around which twelve years of education revolves around and culminates in?

A levels is in 5-6 months.

Where's the anxiety I'm supposed to be feeling?

...

I need to find what makes things meaningful... Are things really meant to be done for the sake of doing it, and nothing else? Or are they supposed to be that way, but not?

What is life without meaning?

2010-05-10T19:57:00.003+08:00

A divs.

GOH YU XUAN
176
164
163
202
139
177
150
160
236
190
164
152
146
149
208
97
206
181
Total Pin Falls: 3060
Average: 170.0

Most disappointing game: One with two spares, one strike, one chopping the '3' out of a 3-6, five splits and a washout. One with a gutter on the fill ball thanks to hitting my leg before making the shot. A 97 game.

Had exactly one >200 game on each day.

The first 200 game during singles was more or less a basic closed game with a couple of doubles and a split.

Second >200 game during doubles, started with a five-bagger and lost my shot at a perfect game with a bucket and a pin 10. 236 that game, highest game during a-divs for me (and incidentally, highest from our school on that day - magnus and jun yan both bowled 235 XD).

Third >200 game on first day of quartets, cant remember much of it except that it was mostly closed and could have been better if not for a few splits.

Fourth >200 game on second day of quartets, right after the super-demoralising 97 game. Forced to adjust due to chopping and leaving too many 2-10s the first game, so I played the oily left lane with a sanded pinslasher down to the tenth board with more forward roll, and played the drier right lane with my kinetic pearl which I sent out to the fifth board with more side roll on it. Went X X 9/ -9 X X X X X [6]- that game, was generally quite happy with my performance that game except for the fourth frame where the ball dropped out of my hands (straight into gutter) and the last frame where I left the big four -.- had a very nice messenger on the right lane in the seventh or eight frame where I left a solid pin 9 which got taken out by a speeding pin deflected off the side. Was quite happy with this game although could have exceeded 250 easily if not for the two screw ups.

Not happy at all with my results. Could have been bowling 200s consistently every game. As it is, didn't even get into top four for hwachong. Regret. Disappointment. I guess its time to move on.

2010-05-08T16:20:00.001+08:00

my biggest problem now hmm.

2010-05-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

So its all over.

To be frank I'm rather disappointed with myself.

Back to life.

2010-05-01T11:53:00.003+08:00

Thus far, have been bowling like shit.

Will have on and off periods while bowling, i.e. suddenly for 2 games feel like can bowl well, and bowl like shit for the rest.

Not good.

Only quartets left, and a long weekend to find out what's wrong.

Time's running out.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

2010-04-25T18:08:00.002+08:00

One day before.

12 hours from now, I'll be on my way to...

Happiness? Disappointment?

Because the future is not yet fixed, it holds much in store, and simultaneously holds nothing in store.

Nervous anticipation.

My broken down, overclocked body should still last long enough to hopefully do the school proud. To do myself proud. To not let down myself. To not let down my teammates.

The question is, will my body be able to flawless execute what it needs to do? Will the software and hardware reach the level of compatibility needed to perform well?

I know full well that at this point I should no longer have any doubts. No longer have any misgivings. Either I will do well, or I will do well. But that is only in theory. The seed of self-doubt, planted so early on, shows its tender tendrils nonetheless. Not helping is my ridiculously high level of inconsistency.

As De Wei so eloquently put it, "Yu Xuan, you may have the most margin of error, but you also have the greatest tendency to make errors." And this is so very much true. Bowling 99 followed by 199 in Malaysia. Bowling 125 followed by 243 today. I need my body to perform up to my expectations to achieve my goals. I need to either increase my margin of error (not possible, considering how huge it already is), or decrease my chances of making errors.

Everything hangs in a fragile balance. Every bit makes a huge difference.

This is my last year in Hwa Chong bowling. My first, last and only chance to bowl for my school. Hopefully I can do my school proud. So what if the other competitors are all powerhouses who train 2 hours 5 times a week since primary school? So what if people have at least 5 times my bowling experience? Let me not let myself down. Let me not let others down.

No more doubts. No more misgivings. Time to perform.

2010-04-25T01:45:00.001+08:00

And this is why weapons aren't always a bad thing.

NAPFA

2010-04-19T21:03:00.003+08:00

First Item: Sit-Ups.
Edwin goes first, and I put my weight on his feet, counting the number of times his elbows touch his knees. Sixty seconds go by quickly and its my turn to lie down. 10 seconds later, I'm 40% to my first sit-up and the teacher walks up to me and asks: Do you know how to do a sit-up?

Well, in the end 3 sit-ups were recorded, and because nearly everyone else did 43, the teacher purposely wrote a big '0' in front of my '3' to ensure my score doesn't get modified. Dang.

Second Item: Standing Broad Jump
267 cm on my first try, and the teacher didn't let me retake ): Managed to hit 280 in practice on my own, but whatever -.- leg strength gone down alot recently .___.

Third Item: Sit and Reach
Whee. 57 cm.

Fourth Item: Pull-ups
Scraped 10, at which I was pleasantly surprised considering my left wrist is probably still fractured, and my left arm consisting totally of fats.

Fifth Item: Shuttle Run
Highlight was watching Lester Leong repeat it several times, to hilarious results. For example, on his nth try, where n is a large number, when he stopped his spectacles chose to demonstrate Newton's First Law, and continued moving without him. Hilarity ensues as he goes 'oops'. On his (n+2)th try, when he bent down to pick up the block his foot made contact with it at the same time, and the block goes flying. On a side note got 9.4 for shuttle run haha.

Sixth Item: 2.4km
Demoralising. Caught up with Edwin after my third round. Fell out of pace, and deproved from my previous timing by alot. Ended up 10:something. B for 2.4 -__- well gonna retake NAPFA with Edwin anyway, so doesn't really matter haha.

2010-04-15T21:51:00.003+08:00

Checkers.

2010-04-05T20:29:00.002+08:00

Truly, life is no more than an online game of checkers.

In general, and in the short run, you can predict the consequences of your moves and its outcome.

Sometimes, however, your moves do not have a desired outcome. This is usually a result of miscalculation on your own part, blinded by your own desire to fulfill a certain strategy for a certain result.

Typically, towards the start there is usually a definite set of 'best moves' that one can follow. Beyond that, however, the path is no longer fixed.

Sometimes, with one's own sacrifices, one can force upon others certain actions which, in the long run, will be beneficial to oneself.

It is usually confined within a box. Rules and regulations are enforced. However, even in something like online checkers, one can go as far as to hack the game. Likewise, if one tries hard enough, the rules and regulations in life do not necessarily have to be obeyed.

Alternatively, one can be a bitch. For example, in MSN checkers where there is a lack of an imposed time limit, and one is assured of defeat, one can merely choose to ignore the game when it is his turn to be make his move , ensuring that he or she will effectively never lose, even if he or she is unable to win as a result. Likewise, in life, there are some choices which ensure that you can never lose, at the cost of not being able to win either. People who choose these choices are generally called 'bitches'.

There also exists the 'gamble' in both checkers and life. In checkers, one can offer draw despite losing, in hopes that the opponent fumbles and accidentally clicks on the 'accept draw' button. However small the chance is, the possibility exists nonetheless. Likewise, in life, striking lottery, regardless of how unlikely it is, gives you the chance to be out of the shithole you currently are in, no matter how deep it is.

And finally, in checkers, you may anytime click the resign button. The parallel to this in life is the cold, hard finality of death. Which, indeed, may sometimes be as simple as the push of a button.

Mirrors.

2010-03-31T21:45:00.001+08:00

Come to think of it, nothing is less important than a third-person view.

所谓"旁观者清“

This applies to many things.

For example, in bowling, you can't see your own mistakes. Or at least I can't. About others I know not. Which explains the need for coaches. And videoing. And friends.

You could be making a huge mistake but feel like you're doing the same thing as before. You won't be able to tell until someone points it out to you.

And it applies to life as well.

The path forward is so foggy.

2010-03-30T22:11:00.003+08:00

Didn't think I was the kind to experience a mental breakdown. Wanting to cry so much, but not being able to.

To come so far, but to stumble at the last step.

After all this time.

Has everything been wasted?

Expectations.

How to meet others', when I can't even meet my own?

Self-esteem. Self-efficacy. All time bottom.

Then again I have friends. Supportive friends whom I cant let down.

At a loss of what to do.

Maybe I'll bowl well on Sunday. But it probably won't be enough.

2010-03-27T01:32:00.002+08:00

2010-03-20T14:19:00.001+08:00

Blocks is in two days, and I'm bored...

Ignorance

2010-03-15T23:44:00.005+08:00

Ignorance is bliss only when you are ignorant of the fact that you are ignorant. In other words, it is not ignorance which is bliss but rather, absolute ignorance which may be regarded as bliss.

There is no bliss if one is painfully aware that one is ignorant.
There is no bliss in complete knowledge.
There is no bliss in partial knowledge.
There is no bliss in partial ignorance.

Then again, it depends on the kind of knowledge. And it depends on how you look at bliss.

But generally knowledge is a double-edged sword. And furthermore, some (many) things are better off not knowing.

Absolute ignorance huh. To realise that ignorance is bliss is to be at a point so far gone that one can never enjoy ignorance again. In other words, one can never appreciate the bliss of ignorance, for to do she he or she would have to come to terms with his or her ignorance, and in the process lose the very thing which makes ignorance bliss.

Huh.

I'm bored.

Mistakes

2010-03-10T21:54:00.002+08:00

mis·take
/mɪˈsteɪk/ Show Spelled [mi-steyk] Show IPA noun, verb,-took, -tak·en, -tak·ing.
–noun
1.
an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2.
a misunderstanding or misconception.

Humans are one big mistake aren't they? Not the mistake in the joke where the conceiving of babies is the mistake in itself, but the fact that humans are the evolutionary byproduct of a million years of selective mutations. I mean, mutations themselves are a mistake, aren't they? The failure of cells to successfully replicate themselves resulting in mistakes, which may turn out to be good or bad. Enough good mistakes over a suitably long time, or so it is argued, and we get the living creatures that we have today.

So life is a mistake. Not necessarily a bad one. Think of the mistakes you make in some sports, like say, Badminton. You swing the racket a fraction of a second too early, and you hear the metallic ping as the frame of the racket collides against the shuttlecock, sending the shuttlecock several meters short of the intended target. However, it still clears the net, and your opponent, anticipating a more powerful shot, is not in time to save the shuttlecock. You get the point. In more ways than one.

Mistakes. I'm bored. I'm thinking typing this is a big mistake. I'm thinking I should be either sleeping or studying, not thinking of random crap. Then again, maybe this isn't such a bad mistake. I don't know. Screw this.

2010-03-06T10:38:00.002+08:00

Whee. Bowling is retarded. My bloody left hand doesn't want to heal miraculously in half the time normal people take to heal, so I'm still stuck bowling with one hand. Not that its too bad, considering that I'm practicing picking up spares. But the strike rate is meh. And I'm competing in National Age Group in 2 weeks. FML.

Well at least overall still bowling quite decently... X 8/ X X X 8/ X 9- 6/ 72 for some baker-style game with me, Har and Xin Yan bowling on the same team in alphabetical order (which puts Gerald first, XY second and me last). Closest competition was nearly 60 pins behinds us haha... team hello kitty ftw.

2010-03-02T22:32:00.002+08:00

Last Saturday was our faculty CIP, called 'Such a Waste'. They apparently forgot to put in the suffix "of time". The amount of time allocated to us to become karang gunis is so much that we were asked to do our rounds twice, with the excuse of "making sure those who weren't awake on the first round are awake to give us their random crap which they would have sold to real karang gunis anyway".

And we weren't even given horns or trolleys.

So anyway we were split into a few groups for the different buildings, and the group I got consisted entirely of juniors, five I think or something like that. Basically, 6 people, 1 building, 4 units per story, 11 stories (excluding the first). 1 guy gets to sit on the first floor with the much-envied job of 'looking after the newspapers and clothes so some real karang guni wont have a chance to steal it away', while the rest of us sweat it out and act like real karang gunis.

We face various occupational hazards, such as dogs- "WOOF WOOF". -looks around-. "eh why are we short of one person?" -sees head peeking out from behind stairwell-. And... well that's about all. Unless you include the risk of falling down the stairs while moving to the next level.

Unless my memory is starting to fail me, my group completed our block in about one hour plus and headed to the collection point to slack. Then we sat around not really doing anything until we were forced to make a second run because we had too much time -.-.

Anyway the whole thing ended somewhere around 2, and I headed home for a quick bath before going down to Marina Square with Aaron and Har.

Entered bowling shop around 3+. Left bowling shop around 10. FML.

Long queue is the win. Played pool with Aaron while waiting and sort of lost. Sort of won also, in a way. Spent alot of time walking around and basically doing nothing while waiting.

Next time I'll go on weekdays.

2010-03-01T23:09:00.003+08:00

So on last Friday morning, like the Friday before it, I found myself waking up at 8 in the morning, not having to attend school due to one of my weekly hospital checkups, where they basically charge you a bomb for some information you probably already know.

Except that this Friday was an exception. After the usual mandatory x-ray scans and being told I won't have to come back for a month because the bone doesn't heal itself in a week anyway, and that I can remove my splint and start exercising the tendons and ligaments in my left wrist again, comes the stitch removal part.

Its supposed to be a very simple procedure. Just use a pair of tweezers to pull at the wires, insert a blade into the gap, nick the wires, and withdraw the wires from the holes. So simple that the middle-aged nurse said the following to another younger nurse after looking at my stitches, "Aiyah, so simple to remove lah this one, you go attend to the other patients first let me settle this one".

The key word is supposed. Life likes to throw in a few unpredictable factors, like the flesh which isn't supposed to grow around the knot tied in the wires, but does anyway.

So I have two incisions, four stitches. The first one is removed easily, and we move on to the troublesome knot. And the middle-aged nurse is like, "Oops the flesh has grown around it. We'll need to pull the knot out of the flesh to cut the wires."

WAIT. DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?

Any remaining doubts I have about my hearing is instantly erased as the nurse starts to tug at my stitches like a dentist extracting a tooth. Blood gets on the tweezers, the stitches, the table, and the nurse. Pain is one thing, but watching oneself get mutilated is another. I turn away, not bearing to look.

And when I finally think its over, the nurse says, "Let's move on the the other stitches and come back to that one later."

Thank god the remaining wires were removed smoothly. Then we return to the problematic one...

An agonizing five minutes later the day is saved by the knot which came loose from all the tugging, saving us from the trouble of pulling the stitches out of my flesh enough for a blade to be inserted to cut the damned things. Thank god.

Then I go home and grab my equipment and head to school for bowling.

2010-02-28T19:31:00.002+08:00

humans are disappointing creatures. i shall continue being pessimistic, paranoid and not let my guard down against people.

life is very irritating. if life were a screw, i would ask for the world's biggest screwdriver so i can just screw it left right center. fuck life. life is like so bloody useless. whee.

'Operation Yu'

2010-02-11T21:01:00.004+08:00

Today I wake up at 7, like I usually do on weekends. Then again. there's no need for me to go to school today, so I roll over, prop up my fractured wrist from the awkward position I woke up in, and go to sleep again.

It's 9 when I next check the time. Anticipation for today's surgery and the hunger gnawing away at me as a result of the required pre-surgery fast ensure I don't go back to sleep. Grudgingly, I get out of bed, walk the two steps to my permanently-on laptop and check a few things online before replying the sms-es that contributed slightly to my waking up.

A tedious 20 minutes I spend in the bathroom trying to ensure I lather all the parts of the body I can reach, before drying myself clumsily and putting on a loose shirt and a pair of jeans. It's 11 and I'm not allowed to even take a sip of water, so with a parched throat I set out for NUH.

7 minutes and 800 steps later I find myself at Clementi MRT, cursing my luck as the train to Pasir Ris rumbles off in the distance. I sit down for a 6 minute wait, and am shortly joined by my mother and sister, whom have just arrived from the clinic on account of my sister's fever.

It is nearly 12 when I report to the appointed place. The nurse there takes my weight (I cringe slightly as the red digits stop changing), makes me change into the clothing they provide (a disposable underwear, trousers which must be TIED, some kind of jacket like thing worn from the front but TIED around the back and finally a kimono) before providing me with a locker and telling me to wait until 1.40. I burn the first 30 minutes on my handphone playing GameBoy games while wondering why they designed the clothing to be so tortuous to wear, before putting my handphone into the locker and settling for the numerous magazines and newspapers provided.

The time passes slowly until finally a nurse comes and put me in a wheelchair before asking me a series of questions which at least 5 more people would ask me in the hour to follow (how old are you? when was your last meal taken? do you have any drug allergies... etc). I fiddle around on the wheelchair and discover I can only make it turn in counter-clockwise circles with my hands because I cant turn the left wheel -_-.

Satisfied with my answers the nurse wheels me out of Kent Ridge wing 2 and into the main NUH building, where I spend about 15 minutes outside the operation area waiting and getting asked the same set of questions a few more times by a few different people... finally the time comes to get wheeled into the operating theater.

The first impression I got was that it looks exactly like it does in photos... no surprise there. One of the surgeons comments: "Looks like a scene out of Star Trek eh". I consider putting on a cynical smile but he's about to knock me out and screw me so I decide not to. I get into the bed and lie back.

The kimono I wore is removed, and I'm left virtually topless in the operating theater. Another surgeon complains of the heat, and jokes: "Why so hot arh? Childbirth arh?" I force a smile as I shiver slightly from a mixture of cold and apprehension.

A nurse props up my right arm against a support of sorts before swabbing my hand and inserting a needle into the back of my right hand. My leg muscles tense slightly as I try not to wince from the pain as the needle gets wriggled about while she attaches the IV drip (or whatever it's called) to it.

My vitals are monitored by some sort of device attached to my bare chest by four small round pads, with my blood oxygen level being measured by some device which sends infrared rays through my right index finger. One of the surgeon notes my pulse and comments: "Wa quite fit arh, 55 bpm only. I was like that once also." I hear a peal of giggles around me and try to look at the surgeon who made that comment but my head is pushed down by a nurse who instructs me to breathe through the mask she's carrying. I am told to take another deep breath, which is the last thing I remember doing before the operating theater disappears.

The next moment I am aware I am extremely drowsy, barely able to make any sound or movement. Someone notices I am awake and I am barely conscious of being wheeled back to the wing where I spent an hour or so waiting. Aware of a constant nauseous feeling, I am unable to do anything about it. I fall back into slumber right after managing to catch a glimpse of the time. It is already past 5.

By the time I am fully conscious, it is already past 6. I observe my body. My throat is hurting, presumably due to the breathing tube they insert to ensure I don't suffocate while under the effect of general anesthesia. My left hand is numb and in a different cast, while at the same time throbbing and hurting. Local anesthesia is probably still in effect for my left hand, and the IV drip remains connected to my right. I drift back into unconsciousness.

An hour later I am provided with a warm cup of Milo and some biscuits. A nurse gives me my medicine, painkillers to assuage the pain and antibiotics in case of an infection. I doze off until 8, where a doctor comes in and roughly covers the events that transpired during my operation. I am now free to go.

2010-02-07T21:13:00.002+08:00

sigh fractured left arm.

shall start training my lower body and core muscles...

when i recover i want to do the stuff on this website:

http://www.beastskills.com/tutorials.htm

2010-01-31T20:29:00.002+08:00

argh fail competition at safra tampines

won 20 bucks for joining which cost 40 bucks

bowled like a total idiot

the lanes were alrd dam good to play on, super huge margin of error

but just couldnt make it work

stupid things like XX-/ all over the place and X-/ in one of the last frame screws up the score alot

and after buying so many balls my preferred strike ball is still my oldest ball which hits really well on today's pattern.

dammit 160+ average is not acceptable. was expecting at least 180... really need to regain my form.

where's my 200 average from last time???

sigh fml.

2010-01-27T20:08:00.003+08:00

Need to improve on my spelling, vocabulary and general knowledge. Need to structure my essays a little more and write a little less of what my peers regard as "crap". I mean, its crap substantiated with philosophical ideas and random knowledge, but people still see it as crap, so whatever. Need to mug the dictionary soon.

Math finally moved on to a new topic, complex numbers. It may live up to its name, but at any rate starting fresh works for me since I dont blank out during the entire lecture not understanding a shit... meaning I have a chance at passing this topic... in the process hopefully re-building up my mathematical foundations since complex numbers uses vectors and other shit.

Bowling is ouch. After a short 90 minute training at OCC today and an early dinner with about half of the team at Yishun, I went to Chevrons and bowled 11 games straight. Began to regain some of my old form, got back most of the push (I think) and some of my accuracy. Modified my spare style to increase accuracy with a small loss of speed, feeling better than I've been in ages. I might be repeating some mistakes again, but at least I should be in shape for this Sunday's competition. On a side note, injured my left ankle again when the ball went too close to my leg... hurts like hell now.

School, life, everything.

2010-01-26T23:17:00.002+08:00

This is probably my first fully coherent post in a long while.

Well, school has started for a couple of weeks now. And those couple of weeks have been rather instructive, even if not academically so.

For a start, some things are different from last year. Change in CT, change in GP tutor, splitting up of the physics class, lack of PW and more breaks (disclaimer- mostly only applies to me). Our new CT cum physics teacher seems to be quite nice although her voice somehow ends up irritating very easily... or so my classmates reflect to me. Personally, when I do listen I dont find her voice particularly irritating but I can see why others do. New GP teacher Colin Cheong, for whom I shall reserve judgment as I cant exactly decide on how good a teacher he is as of now. Hes definitely very smart and witty, but as a teacher I'm not so sure... in general quite a few people dont like him, as far as I can tell.

Timetable this year quite weird. Long clump of lessons together followed by equally long clumps of breaks, with a 150 minute break on Tuesday and a 180 minute break on Friday... More time to spend in the library at any rate.

Still have a long way to go before getting to where I should be academically. GP I can mostly ignore, Physics and Econs both require paying attention in tutorials to do well in (which I am horrendously horrible at), while for Math... never mind. Literature I'll just need to do some study on literary devices... content aspect I can mostly ignore. At any rate it wont exactly take a miracle for me to do well in my studies, but it sure will take alot of effort, and while I know I should put in the effort to do well 'should' and 'will' are two different things... not that I dont want to put in effort, but...

Another focus for me this year is bowling. It's been really on and off for me recently, and my last training with Aloysius finally revealed some glaring flaws in my style which I somehow picked up over the last few weeks... no wonder I had so much trouble bowling properly recently. My movements have become extremely jerky, resulting in loss of momentum and power, a bad habit I probably picked up from the times I bowled with extremely sore muscles... Anyway have a small competition this Sunday, hope I can iron out these problems in my style by then else I'll be literally throwing my money into the gutter...

Sigh. I'll have my hands full this year from slacking too much.

2010-01-25T23:04:00.002+08:00

Quote from "How the Mind Works" by Steven Pinker:
"You have channel-surfed to a rerun of L.A. Law, and you want to know why the harpy lawyer Rosalind Shays is weeping on the witness stand. If someone began to explain that the fluid in her tear ducts had increased in volume until the pressure exceeded the surface tension by such and such an amount, you would squelch the lecture. What you want to find out is that she hopes to win a lawsuit against her former employers and is shedding crocodile tears to convince the jury that when the firm fired her she was devastated. But if you saw the next episode and wanted to know why she plummeted to the bottom of an elevator shaft after she accidentally stepped through the open door, her motives would be irrelevant to anyone but a Freudian gone mad. The explanation is that matter in free fall, Rosalind Shays included, accelerates at a rate of 9.8 meters per second."

2010-01-24T21:36:00.002+08:00

so its a sunday night and its nearly monday and i'm not asleep and i've got the feeling ive got alot of stuff to do that i havent do and have alot of shit to do the next week and whee.

had weird dreams this morning. can only remember fragments, like falling down a waterfall, watching family members die and other weird shit. arghh.

2010-01-24T00:49:00.002+08:00

so verrryyy tired and burnt out

they say after a certain age, if you wake up not aching all over, you're in the afterlife...

well this week i havent woken up feeling normal a single time yet

either the lats or the thighs or the abs or the back or somewhere else hurts...

been bowling real bad recently. dunno whats wrong with my style, speed dropped by 20%, cant bowl on all the shit burnt out conditions all over singapore

whee

sucks to have an active lifestyle huh.

2010-01-18T23:33:00.003+08:00

demotivated now.
demoralised with life.
demoralised with people.
well, life's a bitch. nothing new.

work to catch up on.
bowling practice to care about.
fuck my form.
fuck work.

friends.
right...
whazzat supposed to mean.
people you play with?
people who care about you?
both?
or not?

imma lazy to think
just spamming this blog
with meaningless shit
that my fingers churn
out in an instant

proverbially without passing through my brain
although it is scientifically impossible
haha retarded i am
being random again

whee
life sucks.

2010-01-10T01:11:00.002+08:00

The first day of school stars in less than 24 hours from now.

What do I want to achieve this year?

Let's look upon things I can improve from last year:

Thing #1: Sleeping in Lectures
Thing #2: Sleeping in Tutorials
Thing #3: Slacking in Lectures when not sleeping
Thing #4: Slacking in Tutorials when not sleeping
Thing #5: Doing nearly no homework whatsoever

In other words, I just need to fucking act like a student. Listen in class, copy notes, do my homework and my grades should at least average a C. At the very least.

Sigh. Already starting to miss 2009. Rather apprehensive. This does not bode well...

One Year

2010-01-08T17:09:00.002+08:00

A year has come and gone.

I still remember how, a year ago, I was slacking away my days waiting for JC to start and hoping I would meet new and friendly people. Well, I have.

One less year to live. One more year of experience of... living. One more year left of JC, one more year left with 09S6B. One more year left in HC Bowling... One more year left to NS. One more year before I can legally drink and drive (kinda ironic)...

2009 has been a... interesting year. Alot of new things experienced, met alot of new people, did alot of new things... Lived through one year of JC without major incident...

Met an OG which is now mostly dead, got to know a great class, made new friends, started bowling, joining my first -official- sports CCA, took a new subject (economics). Had a class chalet in the middle of the year which clashed with my bowling chalet (perfectly, no less), had more fun, watched my grades experience a constant decline. Some things remain the same, like old friends, 8pm DoTA, NCC abangs, and so on. And yet some dont.

One month to block tests. Four months to A Divs. About what, six months to prelims? and elven months to A levels. Havent got a direction in life. Not really sure if letting life take me where it wants to take me is a good idea, but I guess I'll just take what comes my way. Do I intend to continue education? Yeah... I guess. Do I know what I want to study? No... For some reason having to actually study something takes the fun out of it. Once upon a time I loved Math alot... constantly remained years ahead of my level... until the syllabus forced us to drill formulas into our minds in order to proceed. Which, more or less, marked my downfall in that subject. In other words, I fear studying subjects I like, in the event that I end up disliking it.

Then again I dont have that luxury now. My life currently seems to be oriented around A levels. My testimonial is a blank. I have no achievements, no talents, nothing. Or at least nothing from a pragmatic standpoint, from an official standpoint. All I have is myself. As much as I dislike studying I will have to, for my sake.

Is it time to put to work that which rests upon my shoulders? They say nothing is inevitable save death and taxes... This is a world where one's choices defines one's own outcomes. If only choices could be expressed in numbers and percentages...

Anyway, I very much doubt I will be blogging much in the year to come. There are far more many things to occupy my attention... games, studies, sports, friends and more... then again my life seems to be oriented merely around these.

Happy new year to all, and a merry year to come.

2009-12-23T18:17:00.004+08:00

Yesterday went to watch avatar in some kind of class outing with 5 people attending.... anyway the pretty good two hour+ movie was mostly spoilt by a few bastards in the row behind us who seemed to lack the self-restrain necessary to keep their bloody mouth shut for fucking ten thousand seconds. Had to leave the movie theater quickly after the movie ended before I succumbed to the urge to whack them...

Lionel: Pity the popcorn finished so early, else could have chucked at them.

Today went bowling and gym after that. Decided to review this one year of bowling.

Exactly one year ago... 150 was considered a high game.

Some six months ago, or somewhere around there, broke 200 for the first time.

One month ago, a 200 game was still cause for cheer. Got my PB of 257.

One week ago, a 200 game was considered low. Bowling like that for international competitions will just fuck you up.

Thats quite some way I've come... at least I shouldn't do much worse than 160-180 *most* of the time...

some 2 random photos from today

One of my rarer closed games, would have been a 300 on a nine-pin tap XD maybe last shot wont strike haha.

One open frame early on, followed by a strike out from the fifth frame... with a really nice messenger on the fill shot where I got too lazy to wait for my strike ball to come back and threw my pin slasher nicely into the pocket with a saviour for the ninth pin.

Oh... note the first game of 106 you can see in the top right... I told the others I would get the best improved game and I certainly did...

2009-12-21T00:42:00.002+08:00

Day 1:

Woke up at 6. Ate bread with eggs, grabbed all my barang barang and took a bus down to Commonwealth. Lugged a good 35 kg of stuff to where the old Agape Bowling Pro shop once stood. Boarded the bus... Left at 0815, a good 30 minutes after the appointed meeting time. Reached immigration at 10 a.m. Some time after entering Malaysia, got a sms reminder to buy presents... let's see what I can get for my classmates there haha. At 1+ our Jurong Bird Park bus finally reached a reststop of sorts... Was like 3+ before we finally reached Sunway Lagoon. Room assignments came out, and the seniors got a room of their own in Pyramid Towers... me, Har, Jun Yan and Aden got a room in Sunway Resort, slightly further from the shopping mall, which is huge in itself, with a Ferris Wheel, Ice Skating Rink and more... and a 48 lane bowling alley. Dewei ended up crashing at Room 619 with the 4 of us because he didn't want to be with the seniors alone. (also, since they had 4 people and 3 beds, the guy who bowled the lowest would have to sleep on the floor. Guess who bowled the lowest...).

Anyway after checking in we went to the bowling alley at 4+ to watch the seniors bowl the first block at 5.30 p.m. The lanes are bloody nice to bowl on despite being wood, although the approach is abit short and weird... After that was time for our blocks at 7.00 p.m. Bowled like a donkey... Got an average of 5 strikes per game over 3 games... 167/161/159... 1 spare only wtf. Score keeps ending up something like XX-7X7-X.... you get the idea... not much string of strikes, nearly no spares, occasional gutter on the first ball... When my ball doesnt gutter, though, the margin of error is huge... get strikes as long as my ball stays on the lane past the tenth board. Got a foul... on a gutter shot so it doesnt matter anyway. Spared that frame... or rather I consider it as a pseudo-strike... whatever.

Spent about $50 RM on my first day here. Not a good sign... considering only half the day was spent in Malaysia.... and I still need to buy gifts back... sigh. Must qualify tomorrow... bowling two blocks tomorrow and two blocks the day after.

Day 2:

Did not have a good night's rest thanks to several disturbing dreams of which I have absolutely no memory, yet nonetheless lead to my waking up several times during the night. The main system in the hotel room also comes equipped with an auto-alarm which woke us up at 6.10 a.m... and after that I didn't feel like sleeping anymore so I vacated my spot for Har, whom had slept on the floor during the night, and went to burn some time on my laptop.

After everyone woke up, which was like a good few hours later, around 10+, we went to eat breakfast at Toast Box or something... which is pretty cheap, and sells perfectly cooked half-boiled eggs. Har and Jun Yan went back to the hotel room to slack first, while me, Dewei and Aden went to shop around... bought a few gifts at Popular and some consumables at Giant's... the stuff here is really cheap...

Today's first block was at 5.30 p.m.... we ended up reaching the bowling alley around 2, and spent a good few hours watching people bowl, widening our bowling perspective... the Koreans and the Malaysians and the Burnei-ians and what not... really makes me/us feel like noobs. Fucked up the first block of games... balance today was fine, but couldn't find a proper line, and ended up bowling 148/153/169... using my third game to attempt to find a line, with me chucking the ball at the pins basically as hard as I can.

Then came the highlight of the day for me... the 7.00 p.m. block. First game was decent, found a good line, and closed 8 or 9 frames for a good 219. Opened the second game with a six-bagger, with one lucky brooklyn which ran straight down the lane, skidding through the oil, and a lucky rolling messenger for pin 10. Got a couple of open frames and ended up bowling 239. At this point I actually thought I had a chance of qualifying... then came my third game which started with 2 open frames, and alternating between strikes and open frames... ending in a depressing 152. 610 series... decent but too far from the qualifying cut-off mark, which is probably around 700... sigh. Tired... and two more blocks tomorrow morning. Oh yeah... aloysius treated us to bak kut teh today.... although I didnt really have appetite and ended up getting hamstring cramps during the meal -_-

Day 3:

Very disappointing day. Woke up all groggy, took a soak in warm water in the bath before going to the bowling alley a good 30 minutes before the 9.30 a.m. blocks. However, my left thigh started hurting after the first game, screwing up my balance and accuracy and basically everything else. Can't remember what I got for my first game, around 134 or something, and fucked up my second game with a 99. Yes, a 99. A two-digit score. Slightly redeemed myself in my third game with a 199, when my leg started to hurt less.

Went into the second blocks at 11.00 a.m. rather disappointed with myself, and majorly screwed my first game, bowling a 125 game if my memory isn't failing me. The second game I managed to pick up all my left-sided spares by sending my pin slasher at the bumper, which along with a few lucky brooklyn strikes allowed me to get a good 216... Bowled somewhat averagely for the third game and chucked my pin slasher one-handed at the full rack on my fill shot for a 180-something game.

Really disappointed that I didnt qualify at all this year, but it was an eye-opening experience, watching top junior bowlers from around the world congregated in one place. Makes all the small competitions back in Singapore seem like nothing at all. Oh, and I swear I've developed an unequivocal fear of all Koreans... tall, fat, short, thin, regardless all of them bowled powerfully, some to the extent where me and Felix probably look like weaklings by comparison.

Oh well... at least I think I bowled the highest series for a Hwachong bowler, with the highest game of 239... then again I also have the lowest game of 99. Sigh... at least the pressure's off, meaning tomorrow's basically a free day to do some shopping haha.

Day 4:

Got a good night's sleep for the first time... on the other hand, not bowling at all today. Slacked away most of the day, going the bowling alley in the morning a little too late to watch Boy's Graded Finals, bought a 160 RM bowling ball bag, stocking up on chocolate to bring back to Singapore. Spent a good few hours re-watching American Pie in the hotel room with the others as well.

2009-12-13T00:06:00.001+08:00

2009-12-10T03:06:00.002+08:00

Your daily dose of a disturbing image:

Yes, thats a fucking huge right forearm.

"A man is never truly old until regret takes the place of dreams"

2009-12-02T20:05:00.002+08:00

Mark should see this.