looks like i have a personality for when... with friends with family with cousins with close friends by myself
all of which contrast by varying degrees, but nonetheless to the extent where i am unsure which i really am. an amalgamation of all? or am i merely wearing masks over the original?
slightly more inclined i am to the latter. it feels harder and harder to maintain some aspects of my personality in front of others.
in an attempt to understand myself better i shall try to list my traits for each personality.
with friends: probably quite retarded optimistic? random occasionally high talkative, maybe sometimes quite reckless
with family: quiet? cynical somewhat happy
with cousins: guai lol
by myself(default personality): pessimistic cynical depressed prone to violence antagonistic
with close friends: probably a mix between with friends and the default hmm.
it feels harder and harder to laugh sometimes. and every time i feel depressed i sort of revert to the default personality even in the presence of others. at least i havent done anything violent yet. i think.
it feels like i'm driving myself crazy. the worst thing is not to be insane, its to be insane but only to the extent where you are still sane enough to recognize your insanity. totally insane people are ignorant, blissful of the fact that they are insane. sane people are well... sane. although everybody is insane to some extent. and those left with a shred of sanity to recognize their madness... well it's enough to drive one insane. ironically. although some parts of my mind remain too rational to let me just go insane. damn.
