"The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity."
feels like i can't do anything right feels like im useless feels like everyone hates me paranoia strikes again ... fuck my life cant do a shit so fucking useless so lonely loneliness in a crowd ha. fuckfuckfuckfuck upset tired sick unhappy irritated disgusted with myself i mean how many people fear to do what they want to do im just plain scared of trying a thing scared of failure scared of everything then dont try yea dont try thats what im doing doesnt seem to be turning out great so i isolate myself when its the last thing i want or maybe isolation is the wrong word to isolate means you must be with friends or family or people to begin with do i have friends? do i have family? i have family which does not understand me screw family. ... whats the point of going to school its not like anybody wants to see my face there the teachers will be like what the fuck is this idiot doing in school the people will be like what the fuck is he in school for its not like anybody wants to see me at home why do i exist? an anomaly?
today, i woke up to find my toothbrush as the new toilet brush. today, i cut my hand. while trying to scratch my head. still no idea how i did it. today, my bicycle broke when i pedalled too hard and smashed the pedals. today, i sweated and felt cold at the same time today, i wished it would end.
fml
im so selfish so pessimistic so egoistic so broken so depressed
if i had a million i would buy 400 books of manga 60 books on assorted facts a 5k desktop all the food i could eat a few new bowling balls a few shoes and clothing and donate the rest
i gave up trying deceiving myself is all i have left dont try to break this illusion that's all that's left of me
Quoting Sigmund Freud on defence mechanics: Denial A defence similar to repression, in which a person denies the reality of something that has happened. Example: Parents who have lost a child may continue to behave for a time as if the child is still alive, by keeping the child's room exactly as it was and speaking as if the child were still with them.
Displacement Use of a substitute object as the target for an impulse; the substitute is often linked to the real target by some association. Example: A man who has been treated unfairly at work by a superior may take his anger and frustration out on his children. The associative link involves his dual roles as inferior in the first instance, superior in the second.
Intellectualization Dealing with psychological conflicts in an intellectual rather than overt behavioral or emotional manner; the aim is to gain mastery over instinctual impulses. Example: A teenager who has conflicts over sexual expression intensely studies medical textbooks on human sexuality.
Introjection/Identification Taking the attributes of another person and making them part of oneself as a protective defense. Example: Prisoners of war who are beaten by their captors may take on some of their captors' characteristics in an attempt to reduce their own punishment.
Projection Attributing to someone else an impulse that in reality one is experiencing onself. Example: People who are hostile or aggressive towards others may view the world as a hostile and aggresive place. (Note the similarity with paranoia, a symptom of certain psychological disorders discussed fully in Chapter 14.)
Rationalization A defense for dealing with something that has already happened by constructing a false but plausible explanation for the behavior; rationalization must result in actual self-deception to be effective. Example: A student who plagiarizes a paper may excuse the behavior by saying that the teacher's assignment was unreasonable, and anyway, everybody does it.
Reaction formation An unconscious impulse is expressed consciously as its opposite. Exapmle: A child who hates an abusive parent may act with excessive tenderness and closeness towards the parent.
Regression A reutrn to an earlier, more childlike, form of behavior when a current pattern of behavior appears inadequate or unsatisfactory. Example: A child begins bedwetting again soon after the parents' attentions are diverted by the birth of another child.
Repression Forcing unpleasant or emotional material out of conscious awareness.
Sublimation Transforming frustrated urges into more socially accepted forms of behavior.
... i have the feeling all of these apply to me.
it's okay to hate me, i'm used to it.
its been so many years after all.
no point trying when i'm not going to succeed
i dont understand how people do it how they live happy, fufilling lives or is it superficial too how to talk to people how to get along with others how to be normal
socially perceived "normal" i mean we are all normal from our perspective people that are not normal are usually acting in a manner which they assume to be normal people who know they are not acting normally but can't do a thing about it, those kind of people, we call crazy. i call crazy. i am crazy.
insecurities....
about my pw project...
nevermind
Whoever you are reading this, you didn't. I don't exist. I didn't say anything.
