"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking."
And to some I will forever be that idiot who never thinks...
To some extent, I probably still am. Although not in the way you can possibly conceive.
My life is... a wreck. On a train moving at 90 km/h, with a break in the tracks ahead. Impending doom. It may not be a wreck yet, but soon it will be. Can I do anything to change its course? Or more importantly: Will I? A certain friend of mine said that because I cannot because I will not. Or in other words, despite having the means to prevent my fall down this endless abyss, I will never make that choice, and in having done so sealed my fate. It is inevitable, and yet it is not, and yet because of me, it shall be. To the end I think I will fight, and yet I shall not, while I can, but because I am not able to, not because I cannot, but because I will not.
I really hate life. For all the things it throws at us. I accept it as part of life. After all, happiness is a zero sum game. There is no net gain or loss. There is only temporal reprieve from pain, happiness for the moment, and so on. Nothing is absolute. Nothing is certain. Even knowing that there can never be happiness without pain. Our lives are governed by an invisible hand. And ultimately it accounts for all externalities, just that we are unable to forsee it. Math can predict the world, but humans are simply not capable of it.
I have many reasons to be bitter at life. I hate certain traits inherent in many people around me. And despite saying that I am most guilty of said traits myself. Knowing so, and knowing that I cannot tolerate it in others, how is it that I can tolerate it in myself? I don't. Embarked on a journey with no light, save that at the end of the tunnel, which turns out to be an incoming train on the same tracks. Has my life been interwined with failure already?
Sometimes we cannot blame certain events or things for ruining people. To describe it more appropriately, said events or things bring out the darker side of most people. Just one small thing, one small action, one small word, and the trigger is pulled. For as long as there is light there is shadow. There can be no shadow without light. And yet if there were no light, everything would be shadow, and conversely nothing would be shadow. Thus bringing the point back to that of comparativeness, of subjectiveness, of relative value.
As of late, I have became melancholic. Look down, and you will never stumble, yet you shall never have your sights set upon the better aspects of life. Look forward, look up, and you will fail to avoid that obstacle in your path. And yet we can but look in one way. I then, shall close my eyes and await my eventual fate. Take whatever life throws at me. I have grown weary of many aspects of it. Perhaps my existence is already meaningless.
