Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. And thus demonstrates my incompetency.
I didn't get into the bowling team. I expected it. How well does one expect to bowl when his fingers are permanently numbed and lacking in feeling? To the extent where even holding a pen, or hitting a person's head will result in spasms of pain shooting up my hand and forearm.
My training prior to the selections had adverse effects. Perhaps I can say I expected it. After all, it has always been like that. My tendency to be easily over-obsessive has always led to detrimental results. Perhaps I have never learnt. Or to be more accurate, I have learnt but never put it into action.
I don't blame anybody. If I were the coach, I would not pick me. Hence it is no surprise to me that I did not get in. In fact, I would probably be guilty if I got in. However, rationalizing everything does not stop the flow of emotions. Anger. Dejection. Pain. Sadness. And this was when I realised I forgot how to cry.
Why couldn't I cry? Have I desensitized myself this much? If so how can I be happy? Or is my happiness merely a facade. Am I as emotionless as I think I am? I can feel the flood of emotions, and yet I can do nothing about it. My face reflects none of my thoughts. My body still carries a nonchalant attitude towards everything around it. Physically I am cold. Emotionless. Or perhaps even happy.
Knowing what should be and moulding the world to your imagination, projecting your thoughts into reality. For some reason this is so much harder than it should be? Why can't I do it? Self doubt. I have become delusional as of late. And as much as I know that it does not help to wallow in self-pity, as much as I know that I should get up and do something, I don't. Why?
Why do you do this? I have been asked this question so much. Truth is, I don't know. Why do I delibrately ignore my studies? I can think of no logical explanation. When asked, I could not answer this question. Is there some part of me that knows? Perhaps, but it is hiding well. It is almost as if mind and matter are separate; that my body is automated, acting on its own accord, regardless of thought.
Fat lazy slob. The first three words I think of when I try to describe myself.
