"It was better than being nothing, so I acted like an idiot..."
The urge to murder. The desire to kill. Once again I ponder. What will it yield? Perhaps my wonder. Shall render me ill.
Perfectionism. Inferiority. Death. What?
I like to see people happy.
Sometimes I try to brighten the life of others.
I don't like attention.
Sometimes I try to liven up the atmosphere.
I dislike involuntary voluntarism.
It is a cunning scheme which gives the illusion of choice.
Ex-uniform group members should know what I am talking about.
I am lonely.
As of late I have found myself comparing myself alot with someone else. It is of my opinion that deep down we are very much alike. Our main difference is that we exhibit our character traits differently.
Denial. Inferiority Complex. Insecurity. How does one display it?
To cover it up with a superiority complex? To perform acts of immeasurable stupidity? Or to display arrogance?
Unhappiness. Worries. Pain. How does one display it?
Cover it up? Act nonchalant to it? The pain.
I was once a perfectionist. I once strived for perfection in everything. I grew up. I never did again. Ocasionally I still do, in things I am obsessed with. I am easily obsessed. I once seeked perfection.
I remember my first Primary School. It was, to my memory, extremely regimental. I was sacked from the position of School Monitor because I tapped a friend on the shoulder and whispered to him while walking from the classroom. I wonder if it is harder to believe that I was once a school monitor or that I was sacked for such a trivial action.
De La Salle. Where I first met Tan Ding Jie. I still remember alot about him. Old days. Never to be again. Before the harsh realities of life set in. To call it harsh would be an extreme understatement.
School. I have not listened to any lecture to date. I have not paid attention to any tutorial to date. I spout random, spontaneous crap. Sometimes it may seem intellectual. Most of the time it sounds like what it is. Crap.
I am but a bird, carefree in the sky. I am but a hamster, confined to a wheel. I am but a bird, spreading my wings to fly. I am but a hasmter, having no choice of meal. I am but a bird, destined to eventually die. I am but a hamster, destined to have no feel.
The irony. The contradiction. The paradox.
Life is but an illusion. An illusion of life. Life. No, Life.
I am lost. Jealous for eternity. Fated only to be envious. What is the meaning of all this?
Today I almost died.
I'm stressed because I'm slack. The irony.
I look around and I see everybody. Limitless ambitions. A definite direction. Goals.
